So it's actually been almost a year since I've used this thing. Since I'm sure nobody reads it anymore, I'm just going to type whatever the hell I feel like. While we're on the subject, I never got this website in the first place. What is this need that so many of the young'ins in our generation seem to have to share with the public their thoughts and overall status. Don't most of us end up using it to funnel what we actually feel or think into witty one-liners or passive-aggressive song lyrics? How many times have I, you, or someone you know posted the lyrics to Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know"? I feel like the way in which I ended things with Eric was both fabulous and horrible, depending on what mood I'm in when you talk to me. Telling him he was bad in bed: fabulous. Burning that bridge and cutting myself off from him and the pain that entire situation caused: horrible. And yet I would clearly rather feel fabulous/horrible than to actually have to be honest with that rat-bastard. And, while we're on that subject, what a goddamn rat-bastard. His penis curved in awkward ways, as though there was some benign tumor that had taken out a mortgage on his shaft. I look back on all the things I overlooked about that son of a bitch and I just want to burn something down. But what is that rage? There's so much that's at the root of it: sadness, depression, freedom, resentment, rejection, so forth and so on. The rage is clearly (or it seems clear to me) a layer to protect me from having to feel all of those things. But what does that even mean? It would seem that I'm feeling them anyway, and that the rage is a rather fun coping mechanism that leads to sardonic wit and attracts the sort of people I like. I keep telling myself, "That's wrong! Feel the complexities!" But at the end of that day, it's impossible for me not to. In fact, it's ridiculous for anyone or any part of my psyche to tell me that I'm not feeling them. I've asked all of these questions before. They're not new. There don't seem to be any true answers, and any final decisions to which one can arrive seem arbitrary given the utter impossibility to truly grasp the world in which we live. No matter where we decide to set up camp in life we're cutting ourselves off from an entire spectrum of experiences and possibilities. And really, the desire in me to explore and devour all of those possibilities is, essentially, my desire to be God. It's the desire to be everything at all times, to be without boundaries. To be aware of everything around me and all the things that are occurring in myself. It's interesting...that desire is also very similar/the exact same thing as my desperation to stop being separate from the humans around me. The barriers that we have between each other...it causes me so much fucking sadness. Or - god damn! - the barriers that I have inside of me between parts of my self. It's exhausting. Perhaps accepting one's limitations and willingly closing oneself off to entire portions of life is the step one must take to become human (or, rather, to survive as the humans that we already are). That strikes me as pathetic. But not doing so... Which is worse, awareness or ignorance? If one gains an awareness of the state of humanity, can one do something to affect change or is one powerless to stop it? Ignorance perpetuates the problem; furthermore, in the same way that the defense of rage doesn't actually prevent me from feeling the complexities, one can't actually escape the pain even if one doesn't name it...Right? This need that many in our generation have to alert the world to their status at all times...perhaps the inner parts of ourselves are becoming more acutely aware of the separation that exists between humans. If this is the case - if humans are evolving emotionally and becoming unable to escape from their terror and suffering - is the end of the world truly as near as I suspect? At the end of the day, why do I write this in a public forum? Clearly I'm hoping that someone sees it and validates it in some way, that someone identifies with it and I can stop feeling so utterly alone. Because the desire to stop being a separate entity is becoming harder and harder to drown out. To be continued... | 
